I'm not really functioning at the moment. I keep staring at the screen and failing to actually come up with a full thought to put down. What am I thinking about? I'm sad to be leaving here. i've really grown attached to Vilnius. With all it's faults and backwardsness and annoyances it's still lively and charming. And funny. And i really would like to come back. Maybe open up a hotdog stand. I said goodbye to the cast last night. We had dinner and i introduced them to Tequila, which they all seemed to enjoy. They gave me a couple gifts and they cried--neither of which i expected. one of the actors told me that he felt that I was truly a great actor. i have no idea what he was basing this on, but he seemed amazingly sincere about it. It's a quirky place with quirky people. And I value quirky. Sure you want to slap the collective city around sometimes, but, that's just part of the deal.

I like the pace here. it is slow. mellow. and there's just a comfort about that. Which surprised me. I've lived my life beying ambitios and impatient and angry, and to be immersed into a place which is so totally opposite of that whole manner of living is...theraputic.

I dream here. literally. When i sleep usually, I have no rememberances of any dream. none. and here i do. I rob banks. I go camping. I run races. i have fantastic fights. And sail. And save people. And it's wonderful.

I've been reading books here--easily, comfortably. I often lack the patience and focus to read. or else i go on a rampage and forcefully rip through books at great speed--not really enjoying them. probably not even really absorbing them. But conquering them.

Yesterday I finnished this david mammet book on acting called true and false. And it struck me what he said about good acting it true about life too. (it isn't the first time I've realized the two are closely linked, but it's the first time in a while). the words he used: simply, honestly and bravely--they struck me this time. I've often searched for strength or power in my life--it's a bad habit, i know. It's an angry habit, and i have no idea where it started. But simplicity and honesty yields great strength. And I don't think it ever occured to me to live my life that way before. And maybe I'm babelling. And maybe I'm being overly dramatic. but it just felt like a great big smack upside the head to me. freeing. And it's beautiful. And I just want to share it.

In Annie Hall, Woody Allen says that there are only 2 states life can be in: the horrible and the miserable--you should be happy when you are only miserable. i like that line, and i try not to agree with it. But for all the time that I have been miserable, and the occasianal times when my life has been horrible, i can't help but think that maybe i just needed a vacation. I think it's an American fallicy that there are many ways to unwind--there aren't. There are many ways to repreive, to delay, to ignore, but to unwind, to actually make progress in allieviating the stress and confusion and and mire that we cary with us, there is no substitute for space and time in an environment that doesn't constantly make us think of our own lives. It's amazingly simple like that. And so hard to do. I may never be able to stay at another job for longer than 9 months. 2 days a week and 10 days a year is the bare minimum of free time needed to avoid complete insanity. And life is just too short for that.