Okay, I've needed and wanted a haircut for at least 6 weeks now. And I still haven't gotten one. It's complicated. I dyed my hair about a year ago. And I'm now down to a few inches of blondishness on the end of some chunks of hair. And I feel that if I get a haircut, and I trim those blondish bits down, or off, that my hair will just be too dark. And so I want a new dye job. But how should I dye it? I know nothing about such things. And whenever I go to the barber shop (Rudy's on Greenwood), they always want me to tell them what to do. And I'm always like, "you're the fucking barber." But they seem to feel that since it's my hair, I should have some knowledge about how to cut and style it. Which is just so wrong. I don't. I never will. But whatever. Over the years I've come up with little terms that I can say to them so that they ask less questions, and just start cutting. My favorite is "If could you just to up a little messy/stylish number on it, that would be great." To the best of my knowledge, that phrase doesn't mean anything. But it seems to get them cutting with the fewest questions.

I hate the questions. The always include words that I don't know. Like "layers" and "texture" and I don't really understand what they mean. I found out that there's a difference between Chunks and Streaks when dying. I still don't know what that difference is, but it's there. So I usually just say, "yeah, that's totally what I was thinking" to whatever I'm asked. Because I've gone down the other road, the one where i say "I'm not really sure what you mean." And then they get all babytalky on me, and I get pissed, and they end up fucking up my hair. And that isn't fun.

So, anyway, I want to get some dye stuff done to my hair, and I have no idea what I want. And if I did know, I wouldn't have the vocabulary to tell the barber. And so, for the last 6 weeks I've been at an impasse. Cuz I can't get my hair cut till I get it dyed, cuz it'll fry up my hair, and then I'll have to get it cut again. And that'll up all my confusion to another level.

Now I know some of you are out there saying, "you know, if you had gotten your hair cut six weeks ago, and then dyed it now, it would have grown at least that much in the interval." Yeah, well, hindsight is 20/20, isn't it. Don't burden me with your logic. They're my nueroses. i'll do with them what I wish.

So, I'm accepting suggestions on my hair. Email me. Please write up your suggestion in a monologue form so that I can read it right off the page to the barber, and them explain to me underneath in small words what it should look like if I read the top part correctly.